Susie is making decisions

It’s a pretty exciting time at the moment, when I think about it; what with university choices and the such to be made. Gradually I’m making decisions about how much or little I love the places I’m applying to, looking back at the lists I made only a few months ago and wondering what it was that made me cross certain places off. But I think I’m happy with my list nonetheless.

Susie is too boring for words.

I think perhaps it’s an unfortunate thing that my blog only seems worth reading in times of utter crap. I think it says a lot about the world that the only emotions that are taken seriously, or indeed are displayed with any sort of veracity are the negative ones – sadness, anger, shame, disappointment. When someone is sad, we feel an obligation to comfort them, to reassure them, to demonstrate that others too are suffering; and yet when someone is happy, we make little effort to rejoice with them. The old phrase ‘I’m really happy for them’ should just be thrown out in my opinion, I don’t know if it’s ever really used without a bitter, jealous undertone these days (like that time in friends when… - if you know what time I’m talking about, you’re as cool as me and we should get together more often). Even at the most basic level, I look back at which blog posts on this site have been commented, and which haven’t, and almost without exception, the happy ones have none. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for all the lovely things people have said to me when things have been hard, and I’m not asking for more comments on other blogs, but it does somewhat prove a point, don’t you think?

I keep finding little things I want to do: books I want to read, films I want to watch, lie-ins I want to make sure I have. I’m just not sure I have the time these days. And to add to it all, I have now booked my driving test, so really I could do with some practice.

Susie is off for an early night, there’s one thing off her list.

Susie is sure someone said she deserved better than this

I think getting over this situation quickly was a bit of a ridiculous notion; deep down I think I knew I could never do it. Although I suppose the fact that I tried was more effort than I’ve made in the past. Ultimately I was always dreading but never expecting something like this to happen. Doesn’t stop it feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach though. Whatever this chemical is that’s making my heart beat so unnaturally fast and hard, I’m sure they should be using it in hospitals somewhere.

And to top things off, everyone else seems to be going through much worse things; so I feel far from justified to feel like this and act like I do.

Susie is feeling like shit. But she’ll pretend she isn’t, don’t worry.

Susie is tanning up nicely

Susie is sorry if you were expecting a pleasant holiday-recap-blog today, and to be honest, her holiday was fantastic; but there’s something else that she would rather write about, because it’s negative and judgemental and ranty, and currently occupying her thoughts beyond the Floridian villa and theme parks and stingrays. Susie is just like that.

It’s desperately irritated me for quite a while how so many boys (oh yes, it’s about boys, Susie is that much of a teenager) go for the same stereotypical girl. You know the type; the short, skinny, pretty, flirty girl, who’ll sit on a guy’s lap and play with her hair and laugh at everything he says, even when it isn’t funny. The girl who knows exactly what she’s doing and knows that guys are looking at her and wanting her. The girl who’ll act stupid so that he’ll take the piss and she can hit him on the arm and he can say it doesn’t hurt.

And I suppose I’ve always accepted that ‘boys’ in general go for that kind of girl, but it gets to me when I see that the boys I choose to be friends with are exactly the same. Even the most lovely, seemingly mature, well-meaning boys will always chase after that same girl; and it astounds me how they don’t realise how much they are manipulated by her. I know it shouldn’t surprise me, but somehow every time I manage to convince myself that maybe that’s not what they’re bothered about, that maybe they actually do look beyond all the crap that ‘she’ puts on to the person she really is - these boys, my boys, my friends, always do something to prove that they’re just like all the others, and that I’ll never really match up to that; I’ll always come second best, because that’s not me. And much as it kills me every time I realise that, I don’t want that to be me.

It’s obvious even to me that this is all just a jealousy thing (which ultimately is something I need to work on anyway), but even so, I wouldn’t want to be ‘her’ I don’t think it’s right how she treats boys, and I wouldn’t want to be so blind as to not realise that ‘she’ was me. Much as I may dislike what things are like at the moment, I wouldn’t change it. I think I’d rather have something to complain about.

Susie is done with this.

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Well, there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible
To get to who they want and what they like
It's easy if you do it right
Well, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse
Paramore - Misery Business