Susie is back, but brief.

January 29th I last blogged here. What a waste of a website.





This worries me.
I’m not going to a monastery, and I’m not German. But I have a horrible feeling that this will be the outcome of my week at Spring Harvest. I guess if you’re really bothered, you’ll work out what it means.

Susie is putting down her pen and closing her booklet

If there are two things I don’t like in a blog, they’re infrequent posting, and dull posts when they do finally come around. If there are two things I would say to describe my blog, they would be very much the same. It’s more than a month since I last wrote something here, and that wasn’t even worth reading; unfortunately frequent interesting posts rely somewhat on me frequently having something interesting to say.

The last month has sped by in a bit of a blur actually. Not a particularly enjoyable blur; teachers getting stressed and trying to pressurise us into being stressed as well, all culminating towards the exams which, fortunately, finished today. Sometimes I wish I took these things more seriously, rather than relying on luck and whatever natural intelligence I have to scrape me through. In the past it seems to have worked a treat and I don’t think that’s a good thing. By the time I’ve crammed as much as I can and looked over some papers, I tend to feel like there’s nothing more I can do or know; today I realised that actually there probably is – genuine, early revision. It’s a concept somewhat lost on me, I doubt I’ll ever really pick it up.

Even more unfortunately, this horrible mess of work, coursework (for some) and impending exams has completely ruled out any possibility of spending any real time with my friends. I’ve barely been to Ally’s house, which is usually my second home, and time that I usually love at school, during frees and lunch has all been overshadowed by that horrible feeling that we should all be somewhere else doing something more constructive.

Susie is aware that this month was nowhere near as bad as it will get, but is so relieved that it’s all over, at least for now.

Susie is contemplating blogging.

A few of my friends have blogs. It’s nice. But I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always read them as well as I wish people would read mine. Granted, sometimes I will honestly and thoughtfully read them and comment or talk to them about it later; but more often than not, I find myself just skimming through them. And just five minutes ago I started wondering what it is that I actually skim read for. Do I look for something that involves me? For my name to come up? Am I looking for some piece of gossip that I can spread or bitch to someone about? Am I looking for suffering? And if so, am I looking so that I might help them, or judge them, or simply relish for the moment that I’m not suffering the same? Am I looking for them to reveal some secret that I’ve always wanted to know about them? Unfortunately, I have a feeling the answer is all of these things. And I’m not sure I’m alright with that.

A non-blogging friend of mine asked me recently why I do it. I said that it was a place to organise thoughts and moan and that ultimately, I find writing soothing in many ways. She said that she could never put all her personal feelings down somewhere that everyone could read it, and I explained that I was more comfortable putting it somewhere public, where people could come and go as they please, than telling someone one-to-one; which ultimately I think just puts on pressure to say something worthwhile.

The thing is, I don’t think I treat my friends’ blogs as I should. Rather than outlets for ‘all their personal feelings’, I spend half my time treating them like some assigned text that I have to get through, and the other half like some trashy gossip magazine. I’m not saying they’re masterpieces or anything, but none the less I reckon I should be taking them more seriously. I sort of wish I had the commitment and compassion to read them as I suppose I hope people read mine, occasionally.

Susie is aware that it is Christmas eve eve and this blog entry has only now mentioned the word once. Susie is assuring readers that she is very very excited about Christmas this year (2 times), and will probably write about it another time. If it is not before the day itself, have some tidings of comfort and joy on her.