To be honest, today has been a little intense for me.
Granted, I started off doing very little indeed. I watched TV, I avoided the errands I had to run, I lay around, I ate shitty food for lunch. Then the post came; I had a letter from the Queen Mary drama department, where I’m going to be studying next year. It told me all the modules I would be sitting, what day and what time I would be sitting them. It was weird seeing my next two semesters written out like that. Knowing what I’ll actually be doing on a Monday morning 11-2 just made the whole uni idea that little bit more real. And frankly, I’m terrified by it. I mean, there’s some things I know I can do; in fact, there’s some things I know I’m good at. But I also know that compared to some people, in these things and so many others, I’m only average. I’m good, I’ve worked that out, but these people are very good, very very good, or brilliant and I’m not sure I’m going to match up to it. Unlike other subjects, where you can sit in a lecture hall with people many times better than you, and get by unnoticed; with drama, it is going to be painfully obvious that I am just not as good as the people around me. I can’t slide by at the back of the class pretending I’m up to everyone else’s standards, being the only one to see my terrible grades when they come back. When I stand up and try to act, everyone is going to realise that I’m not as good as them and I’m ‘that person’ in the class, who everyone hopes isn’t in their group because they’re going to require so much more work.
Beyond that, I’m not sure I’m confident enough to be in a drama class. The people I’m going to be sharing a subject with are at the very tops of all their classes in their schools. Very rarely will it be like CHS, where some randomers choose to take the subject on rather than the people who are clearly cut out to do it. These people will be the high scorers, the ‘loud ones’, the ones who make all the noise and all the decisions in a class, and push people like me aside and make people like me feel like we should be staying quiet. And it takes a pretty loud person to keep me quiet. But I’ll bet any money that I’ll go into these classes and barely say a word and fade into the background. I don’t think I quite have the balls to be the person I wish I could be in that kind of setting; not against these people. I guess that’s one thing I hope will change when I go away; that I will be the person I want to be rather than the person I have been for a long time.
Secondly, I went for my big Ikea shop. I bought all the things that I need to survive at university. Now, compared to the whole Drama Course Fiasco ^, living by myself is nothing; I’m genuinely not worried about it. I think I can look after myself well, cook for myself easily, and frankly I’m looking forward to having my own space. None the less, this did bring it home quite strongly. All of a sudden I was making decisions about how I was going to live for the next year, what cutlery I was going to be using and what pans I would be cooking in. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was really weird picking out these basic things that I’m going to be using daily. And it did hit me quite hard that this is actually happening – now I’ve bought the stuff, there’s pretty much no way out.
Lastly, was this evening. A small group of us went out to the pub, fairly uneventful; but tonight was the last time I will see one of my best friends for a long time. We’ve been through a lot, he and I, and I can’t quite believe we’re leaving. We talked about things we’ve never talked about, in ways we’ve never really talked before; and it was great just spending time with him – something which has been pretty scarce recently but that it turns out I’m going to miss enormously. We’ve known each other for a good five years now and we’ve been very close for three or four of them. Now I can’t quite believe how grown up we are, and I’m wondering if being so grown up means I have to be alright with all of this. I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life, rather than taking the risk of finding new ones. I’m wondering if it’s too selfish to want to put my all into making new ‘best friends’, but still expecting my current ones to be there when I get back. I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to keep what we have now, or if it’s just going to be lost.
Susie is fairly certain that if she was not a little drunk, she would never have written all of that. Perhaps that is the solution to her blogging infrequency.
Granted, I started off doing very little indeed. I watched TV, I avoided the errands I had to run, I lay around, I ate shitty food for lunch. Then the post came; I had a letter from the Queen Mary drama department, where I’m going to be studying next year. It told me all the modules I would be sitting, what day and what time I would be sitting them. It was weird seeing my next two semesters written out like that. Knowing what I’ll actually be doing on a Monday morning 11-2 just made the whole uni idea that little bit more real. And frankly, I’m terrified by it. I mean, there’s some things I know I can do; in fact, there’s some things I know I’m good at. But I also know that compared to some people, in these things and so many others, I’m only average. I’m good, I’ve worked that out, but these people are very good, very very good, or brilliant and I’m not sure I’m going to match up to it. Unlike other subjects, where you can sit in a lecture hall with people many times better than you, and get by unnoticed; with drama, it is going to be painfully obvious that I am just not as good as the people around me. I can’t slide by at the back of the class pretending I’m up to everyone else’s standards, being the only one to see my terrible grades when they come back. When I stand up and try to act, everyone is going to realise that I’m not as good as them and I’m ‘that person’ in the class, who everyone hopes isn’t in their group because they’re going to require so much more work.
Beyond that, I’m not sure I’m confident enough to be in a drama class. The people I’m going to be sharing a subject with are at the very tops of all their classes in their schools. Very rarely will it be like CHS, where some randomers choose to take the subject on rather than the people who are clearly cut out to do it. These people will be the high scorers, the ‘loud ones’, the ones who make all the noise and all the decisions in a class, and push people like me aside and make people like me feel like we should be staying quiet. And it takes a pretty loud person to keep me quiet. But I’ll bet any money that I’ll go into these classes and barely say a word and fade into the background. I don’t think I quite have the balls to be the person I wish I could be in that kind of setting; not against these people. I guess that’s one thing I hope will change when I go away; that I will be the person I want to be rather than the person I have been for a long time.
Secondly, I went for my big Ikea shop. I bought all the things that I need to survive at university. Now, compared to the whole Drama Course Fiasco ^, living by myself is nothing; I’m genuinely not worried about it. I think I can look after myself well, cook for myself easily, and frankly I’m looking forward to having my own space. None the less, this did bring it home quite strongly. All of a sudden I was making decisions about how I was going to live for the next year, what cutlery I was going to be using and what pans I would be cooking in. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was really weird picking out these basic things that I’m going to be using daily. And it did hit me quite hard that this is actually happening – now I’ve bought the stuff, there’s pretty much no way out.
Lastly, was this evening. A small group of us went out to the pub, fairly uneventful; but tonight was the last time I will see one of my best friends for a long time. We’ve been through a lot, he and I, and I can’t quite believe we’re leaving. We talked about things we’ve never talked about, in ways we’ve never really talked before; and it was great just spending time with him – something which has been pretty scarce recently but that it turns out I’m going to miss enormously. We’ve known each other for a good five years now and we’ve been very close for three or four of them. Now I can’t quite believe how grown up we are, and I’m wondering if being so grown up means I have to be alright with all of this. I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life, rather than taking the risk of finding new ones. I’m wondering if it’s too selfish to want to put my all into making new ‘best friends’, but still expecting my current ones to be there when I get back. I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to keep what we have now, or if it’s just going to be lost.
Susie is fairly certain that if she was not a little drunk, she would never have written all of that. Perhaps that is the solution to her blogging infrequency.
