Thursday, 28 May 2009

Susie is in the doldrums

To be honest, the main reason I am writing this is to get ZoĆ« off my back, she is bored of the German, apparently. I suppose I would be too if I had to see it every day. Another reason I am writing this, is because I have recently realised that the whole theme of my blog is now stupid, since Facebook has decided to remove the ‘is’ from their status updates. Lo and behold, we can actually choose our own verbs now, an exciting development, for sure. But now anyone who never had the old Facebook will not get the subtle (intelligent and hilarious) joke and think that perhaps I am just so grammatically inept I have to pre-construct all my sentences. In the third person. Ohh the things I worry about.


I wrote that paragraph three days ago then gave up because mainly I got lazy, and also, I didn’t quite know how to word what it was that I think I wanted to say. In the time it’s taken me to get round to opening it up again, Raz has said everything for me. This isn’t the first time I feel like she’s taken the thoughts out of my head, but it’s the first time I’m going to copy and paste it in here, to save myself the effort.

'I feel a bit like I need to slap myself around the face for being so ridiculous. I've been sitting here for nearly a day and a half and I've hardly done any work whatsoever. In fact, I've [watched tv]. That and sitting on Facebook doing nothing. Why can't I do something? I feel absurdly lethargic, and (don't say it) lonely.
I'm not really sure where this is coming from, but it seemed to creep up on me without a whole heap of warning. I was at a party on Monday night, and yet all through yesterday and today I've had the awful feeling that I don't really have anyone around me.’

Perhaps the fact that the two of us feel exactly the same (ok, I can’t guarantee exact similarity, we are yet to actually talk about this) is a sign that the cause lies somewhere within exams, the end of school, this weird limbo we’re in where our purpose for the foreseeable future is just to pass exams. None the less, I’ve been lying around all week feeling sorry for myself because I’m bored and revision is hard, and the little contact I’ve had with people for some reason just isn’t enough for me. Frankly it annoyed me to read that actually I’m not special and this lethargy and grumpiness is nothing remarkable or attention-worthy either.

And even though I realise this, I have no doubt that I will go on feeling exactly the same. I’ve realised recently that I really need people; I need communication, I need hugs, I need company. I’m not sure I ever fully appreciate it when I have it, but I certainly feel it when I don’t. It’s sad for me to expect people to want to see me or talk to me, and it’s pathetic that it bothers me when it doesn’t seem that they do. I don’t know what I expect from people, surely I can’t want everyone I care about to text me just to see how I am or invite me out on a whim? Why the hell can’t I just be happy with what I have? It was my best friend’s birthday today, and instead of being content with the great time we had at his party and the text conversations and the fact I’ll see him in two days; I just sat around moping because today, I wasn’t with him.

The worst thing is, I know that I have no idea what real loneliness feels like. I have friends and I have plenty of time in the future to see them. All this is just an excuse because I don’t want to do revision, because it’s boring and properly important for once, and just too much like hard work.

Susie is betting that anyone with any brain would rather have just stuck with the german.