Friday, 26 September 2008

Susie is making decisions

It’s a pretty exciting time at the moment, when I think about it; what with university choices and the such to be made. Gradually I’m making decisions about how much or little I love the places I’m applying to, looking back at the lists I made only a few months ago and wondering what it was that made me cross certain places off. But I think I’m happy with my list nonetheless.

Susie is too boring for words.

I think perhaps it’s an unfortunate thing that my blog only seems worth reading in times of utter crap. I think it says a lot about the world that the only emotions that are taken seriously, or indeed are displayed with any sort of veracity are the negative ones – sadness, anger, shame, disappointment. When someone is sad, we feel an obligation to comfort them, to reassure them, to demonstrate that others too are suffering; and yet when someone is happy, we make little effort to rejoice with them. The old phrase ‘I’m really happy for them’ should just be thrown out in my opinion, I don’t know if it’s ever really used without a bitter, jealous undertone these days (like that time in friends when… - if you know what time I’m talking about, you’re as cool as me and we should get together more often). Even at the most basic level, I look back at which blog posts on this site have been commented, and which haven’t, and almost without exception, the happy ones have none. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for all the lovely things people have said to me when things have been hard, and I’m not asking for more comments on other blogs, but it does somewhat prove a point, don’t you think?

I keep finding little things I want to do: books I want to read, films I want to watch, lie-ins I want to make sure I have. I’m just not sure I have the time these days. And to add to it all, I have now booked my driving test, so really I could do with some practice.

Susie is off for an early night, there’s one thing off her list.

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Susie is sure someone said she deserved better than this

I think getting over this situation quickly was a bit of a ridiculous notion; deep down I think I knew I could never do it. Although I suppose the fact that I tried was more effort than I’ve made in the past. Ultimately I was always dreading but never expecting something like this to happen. Doesn’t stop it feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach though. Whatever this chemical is that’s making my heart beat so unnaturally fast and hard, I’m sure they should be using it in hospitals somewhere.

And to top things off, everyone else seems to be going through much worse things; so I feel far from justified to feel like this and act like I do.

Susie is feeling like shit. But she’ll pretend she isn’t, don’t worry.