Sunday, 27 April 2008

Susie is avoiding important things

Exam time is looming, and as such I have done absolutely no revision, or even work which might help. I’m not sure when I’m going to have that sudden realisation that these are important and that if I don’t try I’m going to fail. Unfortunately, I’m terribly unmotivated. I’ve spent an entire afternoon with the laptop on my knee, supposedly doing my chemistry plan, but actually just watching episodes of house for the second, or in one case third time.

My final German oral is tomorrow morning. I’m still not prepared for it, and I think I’m pretty unlikely to get the A that Frau Chau thinks I should be getting. I think there’s a limit to how many noun genders and adjective endings I can give a crap about getting right when they’re trying to get spontaneous speech out of me. Well, we’ll see how it goes eh.

Tuesday looks to be a crazy day. Chemistry plan and a german paper due in. Then I’m off to see Dara O’Brian in the evening; I think he’s hilarious, so I’m excited.

I have more that I could say today, but I’m not going to. Let’s just say, things are finally looking up :)

Susie is shocked, excited, happy, and above all – so very lucky.

The next day.

There is a bit in The Kooks' song 'Do you Wanna' which I swear sounds exactly like my phone telling me i have a text. I get excited every time i hear it :(

Oh, and the German oral went alright. Yet another reason to thank the Lord.

Susie is not actually being blasphemous this time.

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Susie is thinking wishfully

So let’s face it, I’ve done a whole load of myspace bulletin quizzes recently, they’re pretty dull and are a poor distraction from work and the such, but I suppose they’ve had their advantages (depending on which way you look at it) in that most of what I’m going to write today has been inspired by them. They're disjointed and longwinded, but who are we kidding, this is a blog not an essay.

One question which seems to crop up on every quiz is something along the lines of ‘Do you miss anyone right now?’, and there isn’t a single one I’ve read where the answer to that has been a definitive no. I guess missing people is just something that happens all the time to all of us. It’s something I’m not sure if I admire or despise about the human race, that we have such a desire to be sociable, that the inability to be so actually causes us a level of pain.

One of the best known side-effects of pregnancy is unusual cravings. A little while ago I learnt that cravings are actually based on genuine needs your body has. If you’re Vitamin C levels are low, you may well crave citrus fruits. The reason women get such weird cravings during pregnancy is that their hormones mess things up so they misperceive the genuine need. Could it be that we actually crave the company of a certain person? Maybe that dull ache we call ‘missing someone’, is actually our bodies’/brains’ way of telling us we need them.

I’ve come to realise how very much I appreciate consistency in my life. You wouldn’t believe it, because I’m one of the least consistent people you’ll find. In German for example, I hadn’t handed one piece of work in on time this year, until this week, were I handed all three in on time. In relationships, I chop and change; I’ll be happy one day and depressed the next. Perhaps it’s just called being a teenager, but either way, I’m horrifically inconsistent. But for some reason, I like the simple constants I have. I like to have a bracelet I wear every single day; not because it means something to me, not because it was a gift, not for any reason other than that I wear it every day. I like having someone I talk to every single day; someone that I know wants to talk to me every day as well. Someone with whom it’s just a given that we will have a conversation that day, and if one of us doesn’t start it, the other one will. Maybe I just think that if something is consistent enough, I can never lose it, and I think I’m more scared of losing things than I like to admit. It terrifies me that one day in the future; I might have completely lost contact with the people who today are so very important to me. My parents never talk to their secondary-school friends. If one good thing comes from the excessive amount of technology around today, perhaps it’ll be that I won’t have to lose my friends like they have.

And every time I think about this, it irritates me how very much effort I have to put into reminding myself that I have a friend who is absolutely and completely constant. I have a friend who I can talk to every day. I have a friend I can talk to every minute if I want to. I have a friend who not only can I never lose contact with, but that can never die. I have a friend who will love me consistently, no matter what I do. God is the only thing that I know will always be consistent in my life. I guess it must just disappoint him that I’m still horrifically inconsistent myself.

Susie is moving on to something else entirely.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s actually anything better than two people being genuinely in love. Because that just encompasses everything doesn’t it? And I don’t mean the sort of ‘love’ I hear about when one of my friends has been going out with her new boyfriend for three months and they really like each other and everything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doubting their relationship (well, in most cases anyway), they could have the closest relationship that anyone can at our age; I just don’t think it’s on the same scale as when we’ve grown up and got a load more life experience. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too cynical, but who of us hasn’t thought we were in love, but then looked back and realised we weren’t even close? Hell, I just really hope I get there sometime.

I’m going out for dinner with Rosie tomorrow, to caf√© Rouge, where we’ve been twice before; to order moules-frites which I’ve ordered twice before; to discuss important things and frivolous things back to back, like we have twice before. Another wonderful little tradition, a consistency.

Susie is really looking forward to it.

Sunday, 6 April 2008

Susie is making an announcement

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a woman I actually like (that will make a lot more sense if you read my last post). Her name is Lizzie, she’s a singer, and she’s incredible. She was the backup singer for the worship group at spring harvest last year, and (much to my insane joy) she was back again this year. Not only does she have an incredible voice, but she’s just awesome. My boys say that she’s too masculine to be hot, maybe that’s why I like her. They also say I’m a lesbian; I remind them that in general, I hate women, so that’s unlikely. I don’t fancy her. I love her.

In the time I’ve been writing this, I’ve also found that she has a myspace and is releasing an album. I have added her as a friend. Unfortunately, I know she won’t be able to accept my request until she gets back from week three of spring harvest, unless she takes a trip to the cybercaf√©, which I so nobly avoided last week. Having had people attempt to persuade me to just go and talk to her all week, I am going to go about it in the way I do best, hiding behind modern technology to avoid any awkward face to face moments.

Susie is just a little concerned that this blog will receive some fairly hilarious but very unnecessary abusive comments from complete strangers who do not understand her sense of humour. She would like to point out that she does not think she is in love with this woman, that would be ridiculous.

On a similar note, there is the awful possibility that I may be as close to horrifically, shamefully, want-to-kill-myself in love as one can be at 17 with a certain boy. Again.

Susie is not looking forward to this.