Susie is chilly

Things I have learned recently:

• Two bottles of cider gives about the right fuzzy buzz for a regular weekday evening.

• That probably doesn’t make me an alcoholic.

• Having our own washing machine in our own house next year is going to be mind-blowingly amazing, because even though the laundry room is about 30 seconds away from my flat, it is still so much of an effort to actually bother doing my washing that (once again) I am completely out of clothes to wear.

• I’m going to miss Flat 12 ridiculous amounts over Christmas.

• You can put on a truly crap performance for assessment and your drama class will still tell you it was brilliant, because let’s face it, it’s just polite.

• Opening an advent calendar makes my day for about 3 minutes.

• Internet TV, a lazy friend down the hall and a tendency to nap is not conducive to an effective work ethic.

• ‘The Box’ was one of the biggest wastes of 115 minutes of my life.

• Wait long enough and you will eventually find someone as obsessed with dinosaurs as you are.

• All Cambridge students are the same.

• I need to find a better blogging/sleeping balance.

Susie is proud to have imparted these gems.

Susie is disheartened

I’ve been shocked this week by how much people are changing now they’re away. Some of my closest friends are turning into people I neither know nor respect, and I don’t know how to react to it. People change, slowly or quickly, it doesn’t matter, it happens. What right have I got to tell these people that they aren’t allowed to, that they have to remain the person that I knew and loved all these years?

I suppose it’s a natural part of uni really. I suppose I just wasn’t really prepared for it, and that’s why it’s hit me so hard today. I’m scared that we’re all going to come back to essex from our various places around the country and not even be able to talk to each other anymore. In some cases, I won’t mourn that loss desperately hard, but in others, it may ruin me.

And ultimately I don’t know if I’m changing to. I mean, originally there was just one person I noticed a change in, but now there are more and more, and I’m wondering if I’m on the list. I don’t even know if I desperately want to be off the list. I don’t for one second think that the ‘old me’ (if there is one) was perfect and all I ever want to be; but I am scared that I could be completely losing sight of her and not even realising it.

Everyone does some stupid things, right? Everyone does things that aren’t really ‘them’, especially when they first go away and they’re with new people. God knows I did. Deep down I’m hoping that that’s all this is, and that my friends are still my friends, somewhere.

Susie is getting used to this shiz

After a rather over-enthusiastic return to blogging in the first week of uni, it seems I have quite swiftly slipped back into my old ways of feeling like I might want to write something but never really getting round to it – no doubt because I have found a new episode of America’s Next Top Model that simply needs watching.

Susie is turning into a bit of an ANTM addict; further proof that if you deny someone something for long enough, they will eventually want it more than they ever would have if you had just given it to them in the first place.

Anyway, what has happened recentement? The flat has settled down a lot, as I guess one would expect. We’re all working out a little more about each other, how often we’ll be seeing each other, how often we want to be seeing each other – all that jazz. I’ve properly started the course now (Drama, for those of you who didn’t know/forgot) and I’m actually enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I’ve got a fairly light schedule; okay, who am I kidding, I’ve got a piss-easy schedule. I Have 8 contact hours a week, over three days (giving me 4 full days off a week) and 4 or 5 hours of ‘compulsory unsupervised practise’, which so far we haven’t used. It’s a pretty sweet life if I’m honest. My earliest seminar is 11am, meaning every day is pretty much a lie-in, even if I do have to be woken by my alarm. And all the time I have not in seminars is mine to do with whatever I like. As long as I get the (so far fairly moderate) work done, or at least appear to, all is well.

I do of course have one module that takes pretentious pseudo-artistic bullshit to a whole new level. The course summary for ‘Languages of the Body’ looked bearable, it dropped some names of practitioners whose work I actually respect. I then turn up to the introductory seminar and am made to walk around the room and make eye contact with people and ‘if I feel the moment leads me to’ to tell them my name. Alright, I can accept that, it’s a ‘getting to know you’ sort of exercise with some sort of vague theatrical link. But as soon as the course director mentions exploring (everything is explored in drama, never looked at or studied, always explored) and crossing the fine line between theatre and dance, I am quite certain the module is not really for me. This ‘fine line’ which to me seems less of a fine line and more of a glaringly obvious motorway full of cars and big trucks and the occasional dead animal – not really meant to be crossed.

Other than this one module I have great respect for my lecturers and faith in their sanity.

Susie is maybe a little too sentimental for this life

An update. Right now, it’s 06.25. By the time I finish and upload this, it’ll probably be 7am. As I look outside, I can see the sun rising. And I haven’t even gone to bed yet.

THIS IS UNI.

Earlier today, I wasn’t feeling great. I guess I just wanted to be around people with whom I didn’t have to make an effort. Last night, I was invited out by people on my course; people who I’d spent all day ‘getting to know’, learning the names of etc. I told them that I would see what my flatmates wanted to do, because I hadn’t seen them in a while. Really, all I wanted was to talk to people without asking their names, be in the same room with people without making conversation, be without conversation with people without feeling awkward. I think it was a pretty good job we all went to bed early, because even flatmate time isn’t even completely relaxing at this point. I still feel like I have to make a bit of an effort, I still feel like I have to really concentrate on conversation, and I still feel like laughter is something that is either very deliberately provoked or quite deliberately delivered.

This morning and today, this feeling has only got worse, to be honest. All I want is to speak to really old friends (which is why I’ve been a bit of a text/facebook loser). Beyond that, I need to talk to some boys. Despite my deepest wishes, I’m in a very girl-heavy flat. The talk about shoes and film stars and boys is only going so far, and I really need to talk to some people who will call me names and laugh at me a bit. We took a trip to ikea, and I think I may have been fairly bed company a lot of the time; because every now and then I would make the effort to laugh or say something funny, other than that, I was fairly gormless. I thought about other things and wished I was with other people. I guess that’s what people these days call HOMESICK. I reckon that’s what I am. It’s never really happened before and I don’t think it has anything to do with being at home (although it might to, maybe I just miss the sofa and the bed and being lazy) but more the people I’m used to being around. Meeting new people happens fairly naturally for me, granted there is a lot of trepidation, but I don’t find it difficult once the conversation has begun. None the less, I think I’m struggling to keep up so many new relationships so soon. I want to sink back into old ones which are comfortable and easy.

It’s a good job I have nothing to do tomorrow. I think I may spend most of the day in bed, in my room, or talking to old friends; because right now I really miss it.

Susie is amazed that she is finished by 06.41; she has a lot more to talk about but it will have to wait until tomorrow, because right now it is bed time.

Susie is a proper student

So once again, I’m a little drunk. This time, it’s 4.30am (fairly regular) and I’ve spent the entire evening with my flatmates (unreal). I’ve thought for quite a while (and by that, I mean an hour or two) about whether or not I’m going to tell my uni friends about this blog. As far as I know, none of them will find a link to it – if there’s one in a public place, let me know. So basically, it’s been my choice, either I tell them it exists; or I let it be a place where I can actually talk about the things that are interesting/exciting/bothering me, without the worry of someone getting offended.

I moved in on Saturday, it’s now Wednesday morning, technically. So the first day, I was terrified. I wish I could say I was just excited; but if I really think about it, the things I was excited about were learning what my new room was like, getting a key, and putting all my toiletries in place. Let’s be honest, all those things were exciting (except the last, where I discovered that every Thursday my bathroom has to be completely cleared for the cleaners); exactly as exciting as I thought and very very good. I moved in and I found a place that was my own, and it was refreshing and exciting and brilliant. Then there was the problem of making friends. The one person, Emily, who I met online, would not be here for a whole day. So the easy ‘I already know you’ conversation was out the window. I would have to start the real conversations; asking names and finding things out about each other.

The whole time, I was pretty nervous, in the bad way. I got crabby and irritated with my parents being around pretty quickly, because I wanted to unpack and people I vaguely knew were speaking to me online about QM (Queen Mary, University of London – I may as well elaborate, because I never have before and no one from here will ever read this) and all I wanted to do was empty my boxes and start properly living here. After the first night, I knew exactly how the flat would work. There was Mr and Mrs Cardiff – not an actual married couple, but seemingly so. Very lovely, but they had obviously chosen halls together, and even 4 days later, they are still fairly segregated. There were also a load of American people, who frankly scared me a bit, because they were obviously older. I had prepared myself to talk to freshers; people who were in the same boat as me, but these girls were international students – here for a semester, and completely not what I was expecting.

Turns out they are a lot of fun. Also in the group is Eve who seems like a massive air-head and the last sort of person I would choose to talk to; but there we go. I suppose I should count myself lucky that there’s only one of her in my flat. She likes to talk about how many people she’s screwed and how many parties she’s been to and what crazy stuff happened there. I couldn’t care less, and she doesn’t even say it in an interesting way, but it looks like I’m going to have to be her friend for a while, so I guess I’ll get used to it.

Susie is so fucked if her uni friends ever learn about this page. Seriously, if there’s any link to it anywhere online, please let her know, because she needs to get rid of it.

Finally in the flat, is Tom. His boyfriend helped him move in and stayed for a day or two. His 29 year old boyfriend, who is nowhere near good enough for him. Tom is facially alright but not desperately hot, but his body is wonderful. He walks sexy, he stands sexy, he even stirs pasta sexy. He’s my new gay best friend, and I’m so happy about it. Emily, my facebook friend and I, will watch him anyday. And the more drunk we all get, the more I am confessing to him that I love him a little bit. So far he has taken it as a compliment, so it’s all good. Emily (Brenda) and I look to be friends for a long time. We'e similar in all the good ways, I think. It's likely that we will be best friends for years. I've already told her about the situation with Ally, and she understands pretty well I think. She's already given me a nickname (Chelmsford, the town I went to school in, because she saw a sign for it and she thought I actually lived there), and it's sad how special it makes me feel, and how excited I am about being 'Chelmsford' for years.

Anyway, other than the rundown of my flatmates, I guess there are other things I could talk about. There’s a lot of talk about sex here. I’m surprised by how much it surprised me. As much as I knew that all-over-the-place sex was sort-of common-place these days, I think that was something I didn’t prepare myself for. Maybe it’s because they’re trying to impress each other, or maybe it’s because they’re actually that sex-crazed, it seems to be a hot topic of conversation at the moment. Eve seems to bring up the stories because we’ll think we’ll respect her for it; Emily seems to have had fairly similar experiences to me, except with the occasional screw; Tom seems a little more subtle about it, but it’s quite obvious he was a bit of a slut in the past. Ok, so sex stories don’t bother me, I’ll listen to them, I’ll talk about them. But at the end of the day, I’m a virgin, and I’m not ashamed of it. I think sex is for long term relationships (if not marriage) and generally, only harm comes from anything outside of that. The stories I’ve heard only confirm that feeling. I expect my flatmates have picked up that I’m not going to share any stories about a time I’ve fucked some guy and he’s completely ignored me in the morning; I hope they’ve realised that it’s because that kind of story doesn’t interest me, and because I wouldn’t ever get myself in that kind of situation.

Maybe it’s just tonight (and maybe the night before) that have been so sex-orientated. Maybe once we’re over this getting-to-know-each-other stage, it’ll die down a little. I’m not too bothered if it does or doesn’t, but if did surprise me how surprised I was by it. This is the 21st century, I feel like I should have expected it from new uni friends.

One of the American girls said that she was a virgin too, and a 19 year old. If all else fails it looks like it’s her I’ll be talking too. I wish that didn’t have to be the case.

Susie is yes, officially drunk. Vodka and then crappy wine make her more honest (apparently) and more willing to bother blogging. She has to wake up in 4 and a half hours, so this blog is so over.

Susie is taking it all in

To be honest, today has been a little intense for me.

Granted, I started off doing very little indeed. I watched TV, I avoided the errands I had to run, I lay around, I ate shitty food for lunch. Then the post came; I had a letter from the Queen Mary drama department, where I’m going to be studying next year. It told me all the modules I would be sitting, what day and what time I would be sitting them. It was weird seeing my next two semesters written out like that. Knowing what I’ll actually be doing on a Monday morning 11-2 just made the whole uni idea that little bit more real. And frankly, I’m terrified by it. I mean, there’s some things I know I can do; in fact, there’s some things I know I’m good at. But I also know that compared to some people, in these things and so many others, I’m only average. I’m good, I’ve worked that out, but these people are very good, very very good, or brilliant and I’m not sure I’m going to match up to it. Unlike other subjects, where you can sit in a lecture hall with people many times better than you, and get by unnoticed; with drama, it is going to be painfully obvious that I am just not as good as the people around me. I can’t slide by at the back of the class pretending I’m up to everyone else’s standards, being the only one to see my terrible grades when they come back. When I stand up and try to act, everyone is going to realise that I’m not as good as them and I’m ‘that person’ in the class, who everyone hopes isn’t in their group because they’re going to require so much more work.

Beyond that, I’m not sure I’m confident enough to be in a drama class. The people I’m going to be sharing a subject with are at the very tops of all their classes in their schools. Very rarely will it be like CHS, where some randomers choose to take the subject on rather than the people who are clearly cut out to do it. These people will be the high scorers, the ‘loud ones’, the ones who make all the noise and all the decisions in a class, and push people like me aside and make people like me feel like we should be staying quiet. And it takes a pretty loud person to keep me quiet. But I’ll bet any money that I’ll go into these classes and barely say a word and fade into the background. I don’t think I quite have the balls to be the person I wish I could be in that kind of setting; not against these people. I guess that’s one thing I hope will change when I go away; that I will be the person I want to be rather than the person I have been for a long time.

Secondly, I went for my big Ikea shop. I bought all the things that I need to survive at university. Now, compared to the whole Drama Course Fiasco ^, living by myself is nothing; I’m genuinely not worried about it. I think I can look after myself well, cook for myself easily, and frankly I’m looking forward to having my own space. None the less, this did bring it home quite strongly. All of a sudden I was making decisions about how I was going to live for the next year, what cutlery I was going to be using and what pans I would be cooking in. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was really weird picking out these basic things that I’m going to be using daily. And it did hit me quite hard that this is actually happening – now I’ve bought the stuff, there’s pretty much no way out.

Lastly, was this evening. A small group of us went out to the pub, fairly uneventful; but tonight was the last time I will see one of my best friends for a long time. We’ve been through a lot, he and I, and I can’t quite believe we’re leaving. We talked about things we’ve never talked about, in ways we’ve never really talked before; and it was great just spending time with him – something which has been pretty scarce recently but that it turns out I’m going to miss enormously. We’ve known each other for a good five years now and we’ve been very close for three or four of them. Now I can’t quite believe how grown up we are, and I’m wondering if being so grown up means I have to be alright with all of this. I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life, rather than taking the risk of finding new ones. I’m wondering if it’s too selfish to want to put my all into making new ‘best friends’, but still expecting my current ones to be there when I get back. I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to keep what we have now, or if it’s just going to be lost.

Susie is fairly certain that if she was not a little drunk, she would never have written all of that. Perhaps that is the solution to her blogging infrequency.

Susie is officially uninvited

Today it seems I’m sitting at home while my ‘best friends’ have a good time all together elsewhere. I never quite know how to react in situations like this. Every instinct I have makes me want to burst out in tears and beg them to let me join in; draw attention to myself and make them realise that it actually hurts me and I miss them. But no, I’m going to stay quiet and pretend I had something better to do than lying around watching tv. And when they tell stories about the fun they’ve had and look at me expecting me to join in and eventually realise ‘oh yeah, you weren’t there’; I’ll make a snide comment about how I wasn’t invited and then laugh as if I find it funny too.

Susie is well practised in this, can you tell?

I’ve been lying around for the last 8 hours hoping to fall asleep because I can’t really deal with the gnawing feeling of rejection I have in my stomach. And it’s annoying me how pathetic that all sounds, because I would hope that something so stupid would be simple to get rid of. No such luck.

Argh. I wish I could have come back to this blog with a cheerful post about how nice a holiday I've had, how brilliant results were, how excited I am about going to university next year. Turns out I feel no need to write about all that happy stuff, this really is just a place for me to complain.

Susie is even annoying herself - just leave.

Susie is properly grumpy

Bad mood this evening. Just got back from a thoroughly unsuccessful shopping trip. I went with a good length of time, a good idea of what I wanted and a good amount of money. It was not a good trip. Could not find anything I liked in any of the shops, when I did find something it didn’t fit, and when I did find something that I liked and that fit, the queue was far too long to be worth it. I came back with one top, one pair of leggings and no more patience.

Last week was my first without any exams, and all I wanted to do was lie on the sofa, watch crappy tv, eat crappy food, take some naps and generally relax at last. None of this could happen because my mum was at home ‘ill’ all week, lying on the sofa where I wanted to lie, watching tv that I would never want to watch, and judging all the food I ate. As a result, I haven’t really had any time to get over exams and leaving school and everything, and I’m still feeling just as wound up as I was right in the midst of it all.

On top of this, I’ve hardly slept; it’s too hot; I’m not seeing Ally for another month and I miss him already; I haven’t got any of the things I need for all the holidays I was foolish enough to plan, and I just wrote an entire blog of complaints because they were too long to go on twitter and too pathetic to go on facebook.

Susie is bored of this.

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The other day, someone in New York spent 20 minutes on my blog and haven't come back since. I'm starting to wonder if it's this sort of crap that put them off.

Susie is watching and waiting

I don’t like the way things are at the moment. There’s a horrible uncertainty floating around about all sorts of things and I’m not very good at dealing with it.

These exams are more important than anything I’ve done before. They are what decides whether I get into the university I have my heart set on, or have the difficult decision of whether or not I’m willing to settle for my insurance choice. The next three years of my life are completely undecided and I have to keep stopping myself from planning them all out, because I know that will just make me even more devastated if my plans fall through.
Even in the short term - before all the test papers get sent off to stuffy examiners, and we sit around waiting for results day – the exams themselves are so uncertain. All of the papers I sit, I walk into thinking ‘this could go one of two ways: fine, or horrendously’ and I walk out not knowing much more. I don’t know if the revision I’ve done will be enough, I don’t know if I’ve even learnt it correctly, and all I can do is wait and see how the paper turns out.

Beyond all this crap that other people would call ‘exam stress’ are even more uncertainties that unsettle me even more. Things like whether or not friendships are going to stick. I was talking to someone the other day about needing to let go of old friendships, and look forward to new ones. I assured him that once he was surrounded by a new group of people who would mean just as much to him as his current friends do now; it would be all that much easier to be apart from those current friends. And suddenly all those friendships that I had built up to be strong and everlasting seemed a whole lot flimsier. As excited as I am about making new friends, and as sure as I am that once I have those new friends it will be infinitely easier to say goodbye to those I have now; I’m quite sure I don’t want to say goodbye to them.

On top of all this, are the stupid little uncertainties that when written down don’t seem like much, but having them all floating around my head is making me uneasy. I still don’t know how everyone is going to get to prom, nor do I have shoes, a bag, or a hair appointment. I don’t know how well any of my six holidays are going to work out. One isn’t organised yet; another we don’t know how we’re getting any food or whether we’re going to be able to tolerate each other for a whole week; I don’t know if I have enough money to afford any of them.

I think I’ve talked about this before. I do, I need consistency, I need certainty.

Susie is not getting a lot of that right now.

Susie is 18, and not subtle about it.

I’ve been all over the shop today. Mood-swingamundo. Maybe I’m pregnant.

Susie is trying something a little bit new with today’s blog. A complete run-down of the day. It won’t stick, she promises.

11.15am – woke up fairly suddenly after a nightmare involving the Joker, craving some tuna mayonnaise. I was craving the tuna mayonnaise when I woke up, not the Joker in the dream.

11.16 – had a bath to fill the 39 minutes before the Gilmore Girls, also because I looked like some sort of greasemonster and there was a chance that Sam and I were going out for lunch, in public.

11.55 – watched Gilmore Girls and decided the tuna mayo craving was going to win over lunch with Sam. A gamble which paid off, because we never did go out for lunch and the tuna mayo was really good.

12.55 – started revision, but a little half-heartedly, in front of the tv.

13.55 – left the tv and started real revision in my bedroom.

13.56 – felt more frustrated with chemistry than I ever have in my life. As the last year has been passing by, I’ve known that I wasn’t learning as much as I needed to in chemistry. The unfortunate fact that one of my teachers was not only my form tutor and a lovely guy, but also an appalling teacher never did bode well. Today, one topic was just not clicking, and I couldn’t seem to find the notes to make it click; if I’m honest, that’s not the sort of thing that happens to me very often, I tend to get things at least in concept, and I didn’t like it.

14.15 – worked it out. Felt the unfamiliar feeling of success as a result of genuine hard work. I wonder if I’ll ever have a job that will actually encourage me to work really hard. Even this minor victory is making me think that it might actually be worth it.

15.30 – told myself I deserved a break from revision. Looked through my old computer for some music to listen to since I’ve lost my iPod and the laptop was downstairs with the cleaner, who I make it my business to avoid whenever she comes round. Found some classic tunes and was hit with various waves of nostalgia, quite nice really.

15.45 – found myself in tears. Every now and then I think about what’s going on at the moment, the idea of leaving school, leaving home, starting uni. I think I’ve come to terms with leaving school friends, because I’ve come to terms with leaving school and the two just come together. Today I thought about leaving Ally. For the past few years, I’ve seen him fairly consistently every week. How many times a week has varied certainly, but it’s been something that I’ve been able to rely on. But it hit me today that that’s all over; already. I knew we were going to have to leave, I knew we were only going to see each other in the holidays, I knew it was going to be hard to keep up the friendship we have. But I didn’t realise that it was all over already. We’ll barely see each other during exams, and then even less over the holidays, and after that we’re off. I thought about saying goodbye to him and I thought how much I’m going to miss him and yes, I cried. Pathetic? I think so.

17.30 – after a load more revision (although not as much as I had intended), decided I deserved to watch Friends.

21.00 – realised how happy I am to be leaving home. Somehow my family, my parents mainly, are capable of annoying me just by being. Everything they say to me seems to irritate me, everything they do. I’m just not sure I like them as people. I can’t decide whether that sounds typically teenagery, truly horrible or both.

22.00 – realised I hadn’t taken my iron tablet. Couldn’t find my iron tablets. Almost cried (again) I got that angry.

22.03 – found the iron tablets.

22.40 – So this is now. Mother has just walked into the room and decided to complain to me about her job. I think she knows that I don’t care, I think I know that I should, I certainly know that if I went into the reasons why I don’t care, I would seem like the nastiest daughter on the planet.

22.42 – Susie is going to bed.

Susie is in the doldrums

To be honest, the main reason I am writing this is to get Zoë off my back, she is bored of the German, apparently. I suppose I would be too if I had to see it every day. Another reason I am writing this, is because I have recently realised that the whole theme of my blog is now stupid, since Facebook has decided to remove the ‘is’ from their status updates. Lo and behold, we can actually choose our own verbs now, an exciting development, for sure. But now anyone who never had the old Facebook will not get the subtle (intelligent and hilarious) joke and think that perhaps I am just so grammatically inept I have to pre-construct all my sentences. In the third person. Ohh the things I worry about.

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I wrote that paragraph three days ago then gave up because mainly I got lazy, and also, I didn’t quite know how to word what it was that I think I wanted to say. In the time it’s taken me to get round to opening it up again, Raz has said everything for me. This isn’t the first time I feel like she’s taken the thoughts out of my head, but it’s the first time I’m going to copy and paste it in here, to save myself the effort.

'I feel a bit like I need to slap myself around the face for being so ridiculous. I've been sitting here for nearly a day and a half and I've hardly done any work whatsoever. In fact, I've [watched tv]. That and sitting on Facebook doing nothing. Why can't I do something? I feel absurdly lethargic, and (don't say it) lonely.
I'm not really sure where this is coming from, but it seemed to creep up on me without a whole heap of warning. I was at a party on Monday night, and yet all through yesterday and today I've had the awful feeling that I don't really have anyone around me.’

Perhaps the fact that the two of us feel exactly the same (ok, I can’t guarantee exact similarity, we are yet to actually talk about this) is a sign that the cause lies somewhere within exams, the end of school, this weird limbo we’re in where our purpose for the foreseeable future is just to pass exams. None the less, I’ve been lying around all week feeling sorry for myself because I’m bored and revision is hard, and the little contact I’ve had with people for some reason just isn’t enough for me. Frankly it annoyed me to read that actually I’m not special and this lethargy and grumpiness is nothing remarkable or attention-worthy either.

And even though I realise this, I have no doubt that I will go on feeling exactly the same. I’ve realised recently that I really need people; I need communication, I need hugs, I need company. I’m not sure I ever fully appreciate it when I have it, but I certainly feel it when I don’t. It’s sad for me to expect people to want to see me or talk to me, and it’s pathetic that it bothers me when it doesn’t seem that they do. I don’t know what I expect from people, surely I can’t want everyone I care about to text me just to see how I am or invite me out on a whim? Why the hell can’t I just be happy with what I have? It was my best friend’s birthday today, and instead of being content with the great time we had at his party and the text conversations and the fact I’ll see him in two days; I just sat around moping because today, I wasn’t with him.

The worst thing is, I know that I have no idea what real loneliness feels like. I have friends and I have plenty of time in the future to see them. All this is just an excuse because I don’t want to do revision, because it’s boring and properly important for once, and just too much like hard work.

Susie is betting that anyone with any brain would rather have just stuck with the german.

Susie is back, but brief.

January 29th I last blogged here. What a waste of a website.





This worries me.
I’m not going to a monastery, and I’m not German. But I have a horrible feeling that this will be the outcome of my week at Spring Harvest. I guess if you’re really bothered, you’ll work out what it means.

Susie is putting down her pen and closing her booklet

If there are two things I don’t like in a blog, they’re infrequent posting, and dull posts when they do finally come around. If there are two things I would say to describe my blog, they would be very much the same. It’s more than a month since I last wrote something here, and that wasn’t even worth reading; unfortunately frequent interesting posts rely somewhat on me frequently having something interesting to say.

The last month has sped by in a bit of a blur actually. Not a particularly enjoyable blur; teachers getting stressed and trying to pressurise us into being stressed as well, all culminating towards the exams which, fortunately, finished today. Sometimes I wish I took these things more seriously, rather than relying on luck and whatever natural intelligence I have to scrape me through. In the past it seems to have worked a treat and I don’t think that’s a good thing. By the time I’ve crammed as much as I can and looked over some papers, I tend to feel like there’s nothing more I can do or know; today I realised that actually there probably is – genuine, early revision. It’s a concept somewhat lost on me, I doubt I’ll ever really pick it up.

Even more unfortunately, this horrible mess of work, coursework (for some) and impending exams has completely ruled out any possibility of spending any real time with my friends. I’ve barely been to Ally’s house, which is usually my second home, and time that I usually love at school, during frees and lunch has all been overshadowed by that horrible feeling that we should all be somewhere else doing something more constructive.

Susie is aware that this month was nowhere near as bad as it will get, but is so relieved that it’s all over, at least for now.