Susie is in the doldrums

To be honest, the main reason I am writing this is to get Zoë off my back, she is bored of the German, apparently. I suppose I would be too if I had to see it every day. Another reason I am writing this, is because I have recently realised that the whole theme of my blog is now stupid, since Facebook has decided to remove the ‘is’ from their status updates. Lo and behold, we can actually choose our own verbs now, an exciting development, for sure. But now anyone who never had the old Facebook will not get the subtle (intelligent and hilarious) joke and think that perhaps I am just so grammatically inept I have to pre-construct all my sentences. In the third person. Ohh the things I worry about.

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I wrote that paragraph three days ago then gave up because mainly I got lazy, and also, I didn’t quite know how to word what it was that I think I wanted to say. In the time it’s taken me to get round to opening it up again, Raz has said everything for me. This isn’t the first time I feel like she’s taken the thoughts out of my head, but it’s the first time I’m going to copy and paste it in here, to save myself the effort.

'I feel a bit like I need to slap myself around the face for being so ridiculous. I've been sitting here for nearly a day and a half and I've hardly done any work whatsoever. In fact, I've [watched tv]. That and sitting on Facebook doing nothing. Why can't I do something? I feel absurdly lethargic, and (don't say it) lonely.
I'm not really sure where this is coming from, but it seemed to creep up on me without a whole heap of warning. I was at a party on Monday night, and yet all through yesterday and today I've had the awful feeling that I don't really have anyone around me.’

Perhaps the fact that the two of us feel exactly the same (ok, I can’t guarantee exact similarity, we are yet to actually talk about this) is a sign that the cause lies somewhere within exams, the end of school, this weird limbo we’re in where our purpose for the foreseeable future is just to pass exams. None the less, I’ve been lying around all week feeling sorry for myself because I’m bored and revision is hard, and the little contact I’ve had with people for some reason just isn’t enough for me. Frankly it annoyed me to read that actually I’m not special and this lethargy and grumpiness is nothing remarkable or attention-worthy either.

And even though I realise this, I have no doubt that I will go on feeling exactly the same. I’ve realised recently that I really need people; I need communication, I need hugs, I need company. I’m not sure I ever fully appreciate it when I have it, but I certainly feel it when I don’t. It’s sad for me to expect people to want to see me or talk to me, and it’s pathetic that it bothers me when it doesn’t seem that they do. I don’t know what I expect from people, surely I can’t want everyone I care about to text me just to see how I am or invite me out on a whim? Why the hell can’t I just be happy with what I have? It was my best friend’s birthday today, and instead of being content with the great time we had at his party and the text conversations and the fact I’ll see him in two days; I just sat around moping because today, I wasn’t with him.

The worst thing is, I know that I have no idea what real loneliness feels like. I have friends and I have plenty of time in the future to see them. All this is just an excuse because I don’t want to do revision, because it’s boring and properly important for once, and just too much like hard work.

Susie is betting that anyone with any brain would rather have just stuck with the german.

Susie is back, but brief.

January 29th I last blogged here. What a waste of a website.





This worries me.
I’m not going to a monastery, and I’m not German. But I have a horrible feeling that this will be the outcome of my week at Spring Harvest. I guess if you’re really bothered, you’ll work out what it means.

Susie is putting down her pen and closing her booklet

If there are two things I don’t like in a blog, they’re infrequent posting, and dull posts when they do finally come around. If there are two things I would say to describe my blog, they would be very much the same. It’s more than a month since I last wrote something here, and that wasn’t even worth reading; unfortunately frequent interesting posts rely somewhat on me frequently having something interesting to say.

The last month has sped by in a bit of a blur actually. Not a particularly enjoyable blur; teachers getting stressed and trying to pressurise us into being stressed as well, all culminating towards the exams which, fortunately, finished today. Sometimes I wish I took these things more seriously, rather than relying on luck and whatever natural intelligence I have to scrape me through. In the past it seems to have worked a treat and I don’t think that’s a good thing. By the time I’ve crammed as much as I can and looked over some papers, I tend to feel like there’s nothing more I can do or know; today I realised that actually there probably is – genuine, early revision. It’s a concept somewhat lost on me, I doubt I’ll ever really pick it up.

Even more unfortunately, this horrible mess of work, coursework (for some) and impending exams has completely ruled out any possibility of spending any real time with my friends. I’ve barely been to Ally’s house, which is usually my second home, and time that I usually love at school, during frees and lunch has all been overshadowed by that horrible feeling that we should all be somewhere else doing something more constructive.

Susie is aware that this month was nowhere near as bad as it will get, but is so relieved that it’s all over, at least for now.