Susie is not where she needs to be

I have 2 German exams this afternoon, they’re the first exams so far that I actually need to revise for; and I haven’t really. I’ve learnt about 25 new words, useful ones mind, and that’s about as far as I think I’m going to take it. Mrs Chaudhri is adamant I should get an A, I think I’ll be lucky if I get a B. I’m still not sure if I’m going to carry it on next year or not.

After this, I have 2 weeks with no exams whatsoever; I have a feeling it’s going to be rather lovely, for a number of reasons. Then of course I have 7 exams in 2 days, all the difficult ones, so I suppose there will be some revision in there somewhere.

A wise and beautiful boy recently taught me the joy of being referred to in a blog, and the coolness of a nameless reference which only the two people involved will understand. I only wish that I could give similar joy to all those people who mean something to me; but if I tried, it would just end up with a big game of Guess Who Susie’s Talking About; equally, I know that most people wouldn’t even get round to reading it. So we’ll leave it for now eh.

Trisha Goddard is on the TV at the moment. I wonder what possesses people to actively choose to portray themselves as angry, uncontrollable idiots on national television.

Susie is going to put on some socks, test her portable cassette player again, and then get into school; this exam is going to be a delight, Susie is quite sure.

Susie is home again

I have very little to say, but it irritated me having such a depressing blog as my most recent entry when actually I’m in a very good mood. I had an absolutely lovely weekend away with church this weekend. We were at a new place, because our much-loved Herne Bay went bankrupt and shut down, and it was absolutely amazing. 220 acres of land and a massive stately home, seriously, incredible. Sally decided not to come in the end, so it was pretty much just me and the boys for a lot of it, but it was really good. The weather was beautiful, the grounds were perfect; we spent half the time walking around with cameras and half the time playing cards. Freaking awesome.

Susie is not even thinking about exams tomorrow, even though she probably should be.

Susie is paranoid

And Susie is quite aware she needs to work on it.

I’m not used to things going right; I’m not used to things going the way I wanted. Especially when it comes to all those stupid things that girls care about more than they should and more than they ever let on. I’m scared of being disappointed by things, I’m scared of things happening that I hadn’t expected. You know, those things that just come completely out of the blue and make you feel sick.

For a while, I don’t think it made much of a difference; but now I’m starting to worry that it really is changing me. I don’t know if it’s a poor way of dealing with it, or just general cynicism, but I’ve found I always convince myself that the worst is going to happen. I’ll play through the worst possible situation again and again in my head until I truly believe that that’s what’s going to happen. That way, I’ll always be prepared for it, right? I can be happily surprised by something but never disappointed.

But even once something has gone right, once my genuine predictions have been proved wrong, I’m still just waiting for something to go wrong. When other people would be happy that for once things are working out, I’m sitting expecting it to be over any minute. I’ll look around for things that might mess things up, and convince myself they’re going to happen; sometimes I think I completely invent some myself.

And I feel like I should try to be more optimistic; I feel like I should only focus on the things that are going right, relax and take things as they come. But honestly? I can’t live like that, I’m terrified of life like that. If I’m not ready for the things that go wrong, then I won’t be able to deal with them when they do, will I?

The problem is, now I think this way of preparing myself for things going wrong is actually causing things to go wrong itself. People think I should change it, deep down I think I should change it; but I think I’m too scared.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Susie is sorry, again.

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Susie is nervous, for some reason. And not the good kind of nervous that I get before I'm about to go on stage; the kind that I thrive on and enjoy, where I shake and my heart beats faster and I know that my body is coursing with adrenaline and I’m excited about what I’m about to do. Not even the kind of nervous I get before an exam, where I accept what I’m about to do but equally accept that worrying about it won’t make it go any better.

No, today I feel the sort of nervous I expect other people feel before either of those things, when I tell them to relax or enjoy it because I’ve never understood how they feel those kinds of nerves. I feel sick, I can’t concentrate, I can’t enjoy things, I can’t even sleep. As soon as I wake up, I start thinking over things and the queasy feeling in my stomach comes back, and I just can’t get to sleep again, and that was something I always used to be able to do. And it’s horrible, and I don’t know exactly why I feel like it, and I really, really wish it would go away.