Susie is lying when she says she's ok

I’ve got to say, things aren’t going great at the moment. I suppose it’s stupid that the only place I possess to write about things is here, but I’m too scared of some people reading it to actually use it. Fortunately, so many people have been a wonderful help to me recently: letting me ramble and complain, and telling me actually exactly what I want to hear; that I think if I were to write it all down here, it would just be repeating myself, and probably not really helping anyone. I owe a lot to these lovely people I’ve managed to find.

These days I think it takes a lot to actually make me cry. Minor irritations or upsets tend to get laughed under the rug, and even when stuff really gets to me, it usually leads to other things than tears. But there hasn’t been a day this week that I haven’t cried; things that no one else would understand set me off; stupid things, stupid reasons. The fact that they make me cry scares me above all else, because I know how long it’s going to take for me to get over them properly.

So much has changed recently, and it’s taking my mind a little while to get used to it all. ‘The way things were’ just isn’t quite the same anymore, and I’m not sure I’m handling it very well. I don’t know if it’s helping or not that school is such a waste of time at the moment. I only had one lesson today, first period. Granted, I love to doss; but it tends to leave a lot of time for thinking and feeling sorry for myself and getting caught up in things.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading recently; well, a lot of time for me. Normally I only ever read when I’m away on holiday, but over the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the urge to re-read some of the books I read last summer; probably, as Zoë put it, to try and escape a bit. And actually, it’s wonderfully effective. There’s something refreshing about being able to switch off that conscious part of your brain that worries and gets emotional and stressed, but still be able to stimulate the bit that gets left out when you’re just dumbly watching some crap television. I think when real school-time rolls around again, I won’t have as much time for such a luxury, so I plan to make the most of this in these following weeks.

I wish I could end this entry by saying that I feel better, or that I think tomorrow will be a brighter day; but ultimately I know that I’m only going to end up crying again, and actually, I don’t feel better. Not yet.

Susie is certainly not overdramatic or emo enough to think that she is actually heartbroken, but this is as close as she’d ever like to get.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Pink - Who Knew