Tuesday 16 June 2009

Susie is watching and waiting

I don’t like the way things are at the moment. There’s a horrible uncertainty floating around about all sorts of things and I’m not very good at dealing with it.

These exams are more important than anything I’ve done before. They are what decides whether I get into the university I have my heart set on, or have the difficult decision of whether or not I’m willing to settle for my insurance choice. The next three years of my life are completely undecided and I have to keep stopping myself from planning them all out, because I know that will just make me even more devastated if my plans fall through.
Even in the short term - before all the test papers get sent off to stuffy examiners, and we sit around waiting for results day – the exams themselves are so uncertain. All of the papers I sit, I walk into thinking ‘this could go one of two ways: fine, or horrendously’ and I walk out not knowing much more. I don’t know if the revision I’ve done will be enough, I don’t know if I’ve even learnt it correctly, and all I can do is wait and see how the paper turns out.

Beyond all this crap that other people would call ‘exam stress’ are even more uncertainties that unsettle me even more. Things like whether or not friendships are going to stick. I was talking to someone the other day about needing to let go of old friendships, and look forward to new ones. I assured him that once he was surrounded by a new group of people who would mean just as much to him as his current friends do now; it would be all that much easier to be apart from those current friends. And suddenly all those friendships that I had built up to be strong and everlasting seemed a whole lot flimsier. As excited as I am about making new friends, and as sure as I am that once I have those new friends it will be infinitely easier to say goodbye to those I have now; I’m quite sure I don’t want to say goodbye to them.

On top of all this, are the stupid little uncertainties that when written down don’t seem like much, but having them all floating around my head is making me uneasy. I still don’t know how everyone is going to get to prom, nor do I have shoes, a bag, or a hair appointment. I don’t know how well any of my six holidays are going to work out. One isn’t organised yet; another we don’t know how we’re getting any food or whether we’re going to be able to tolerate each other for a whole week; I don’t know if I have enough money to afford any of them.

I think I’ve talked about this before. I do, I need consistency, I need certainty.

Susie is not getting a lot of that right now.

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