To be honest, today has been a little intense for me.
Granted, I started off doing very little indeed. I watched TV, I avoided the errands I had to run, I lay around, I ate shitty food for lunch. Then the post came; I had a letter from the Queen Mary drama department, where I’m going to be studying next year. It told me all the modules I would be sitting, what day and what time I would be sitting them. It was weird seeing my next two semesters written out like that. Knowing what I’ll actually be doing on a Monday morning 11-2 just made the whole uni idea that little bit more real. And frankly, I’m terrified by it. I mean, there’s some things I know I can do; in fact, there’s some things I know I’m good at. But I also know that compared to some people, in these things and so many others, I’m only average. I’m good, I’ve worked that out, but these people are very good, very very good, or brilliant and I’m not sure I’m going to match up to it. Unlike other subjects, where you can sit in a lecture hall with people many times better than you, and get by unnoticed; with drama, it is going to be painfully obvious that I am just not as good as the people around me. I can’t slide by at the back of the class pretending I’m up to everyone else’s standards, being the only one to see my terrible grades when they come back. When I stand up and try to act, everyone is going to realise that I’m not as good as them and I’m ‘that person’ in the class, who everyone hopes isn’t in their group because they’re going to require so much more work.
Beyond that, I’m not sure I’m confident enough to be in a drama class. The people I’m going to be sharing a subject with are at the very tops of all their classes in their schools. Very rarely will it be like CHS, where some randomers choose to take the subject on rather than the people who are clearly cut out to do it. These people will be the high scorers, the ‘loud ones’, the ones who make all the noise and all the decisions in a class, and push people like me aside and make people like me feel like we should be staying quiet. And it takes a pretty loud person to keep me quiet. But I’ll bet any money that I’ll go into these classes and barely say a word and fade into the background. I don’t think I quite have the balls to be the person I wish I could be in that kind of setting; not against these people. I guess that’s one thing I hope will change when I go away; that I will be the person I want to be rather than the person I have been for a long time.
Secondly, I went for my big Ikea shop. I bought all the things that I need to survive at university. Now, compared to the whole Drama Course Fiasco ^, living by myself is nothing; I’m genuinely not worried about it. I think I can look after myself well, cook for myself easily, and frankly I’m looking forward to having my own space. None the less, this did bring it home quite strongly. All of a sudden I was making decisions about how I was going to live for the next year, what cutlery I was going to be using and what pans I would be cooking in. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was really weird picking out these basic things that I’m going to be using daily. And it did hit me quite hard that this is actually happening – now I’ve bought the stuff, there’s pretty much no way out.
Lastly, was this evening. A small group of us went out to the pub, fairly uneventful; but tonight was the last time I will see one of my best friends for a long time. We’ve been through a lot, he and I, and I can’t quite believe we’re leaving. We talked about things we’ve never talked about, in ways we’ve never really talked before; and it was great just spending time with him – something which has been pretty scarce recently but that it turns out I’m going to miss enormously. We’ve known each other for a good five years now and we’ve been very close for three or four of them. Now I can’t quite believe how grown up we are, and I’m wondering if being so grown up means I have to be alright with all of this. I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life, rather than taking the risk of finding new ones. I’m wondering if it’s too selfish to want to put my all into making new ‘best friends’, but still expecting my current ones to be there when I get back. I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to keep what we have now, or if it’s just going to be lost.
Susie is fairly certain that if she was not a little drunk, she would never have written all of that. Perhaps that is the solution to her blogging infrequency.
Granted, I started off doing very little indeed. I watched TV, I avoided the errands I had to run, I lay around, I ate shitty food for lunch. Then the post came; I had a letter from the Queen Mary drama department, where I’m going to be studying next year. It told me all the modules I would be sitting, what day and what time I would be sitting them. It was weird seeing my next two semesters written out like that. Knowing what I’ll actually be doing on a Monday morning 11-2 just made the whole uni idea that little bit more real. And frankly, I’m terrified by it. I mean, there’s some things I know I can do; in fact, there’s some things I know I’m good at. But I also know that compared to some people, in these things and so many others, I’m only average. I’m good, I’ve worked that out, but these people are very good, very very good, or brilliant and I’m not sure I’m going to match up to it. Unlike other subjects, where you can sit in a lecture hall with people many times better than you, and get by unnoticed; with drama, it is going to be painfully obvious that I am just not as good as the people around me. I can’t slide by at the back of the class pretending I’m up to everyone else’s standards, being the only one to see my terrible grades when they come back. When I stand up and try to act, everyone is going to realise that I’m not as good as them and I’m ‘that person’ in the class, who everyone hopes isn’t in their group because they’re going to require so much more work.
Beyond that, I’m not sure I’m confident enough to be in a drama class. The people I’m going to be sharing a subject with are at the very tops of all their classes in their schools. Very rarely will it be like CHS, where some randomers choose to take the subject on rather than the people who are clearly cut out to do it. These people will be the high scorers, the ‘loud ones’, the ones who make all the noise and all the decisions in a class, and push people like me aside and make people like me feel like we should be staying quiet. And it takes a pretty loud person to keep me quiet. But I’ll bet any money that I’ll go into these classes and barely say a word and fade into the background. I don’t think I quite have the balls to be the person I wish I could be in that kind of setting; not against these people. I guess that’s one thing I hope will change when I go away; that I will be the person I want to be rather than the person I have been for a long time.
Secondly, I went for my big Ikea shop. I bought all the things that I need to survive at university. Now, compared to the whole Drama Course Fiasco ^, living by myself is nothing; I’m genuinely not worried about it. I think I can look after myself well, cook for myself easily, and frankly I’m looking forward to having my own space. None the less, this did bring it home quite strongly. All of a sudden I was making decisions about how I was going to live for the next year, what cutlery I was going to be using and what pans I would be cooking in. It doesn’t seem like much, but it was really weird picking out these basic things that I’m going to be using daily. And it did hit me quite hard that this is actually happening – now I’ve bought the stuff, there’s pretty much no way out.
Lastly, was this evening. A small group of us went out to the pub, fairly uneventful; but tonight was the last time I will see one of my best friends for a long time. We’ve been through a lot, he and I, and I can’t quite believe we’re leaving. We talked about things we’ve never talked about, in ways we’ve never really talked before; and it was great just spending time with him – something which has been pretty scarce recently but that it turns out I’m going to miss enormously. We’ve known each other for a good five years now and we’ve been very close for three or four of them. Now I can’t quite believe how grown up we are, and I’m wondering if being so grown up means I have to be alright with all of this. I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life, rather than taking the risk of finding new ones. I’m wondering if it’s too selfish to want to put my all into making new ‘best friends’, but still expecting my current ones to be there when I get back. I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to keep what we have now, or if it’s just going to be lost.
Susie is fairly certain that if she was not a little drunk, she would never have written all of that. Perhaps that is the solution to her blogging infrequency.
1 comments:
Dear Susie,
I shall forthwith adhere to address each of those situations you are harking on about in the following stanzas: Good luck.
Drama. People who walk into those classes/lectures/studios thinking they know it all are going to learn nothing, and eventually flop onto their big fat noses/asses when the final examination comes around. Go in there, work your butt off all year and I bet that when harvest time comes, you will reap the benefits. People who think they have nothing to learn: learn nothing. Queen Mary obviously think you have what it takes to do the course, so be confident in that. These people aren't amateurs - they know what they're looking for. And you obviously have what it takes, or they wouldn't have offered you a place. I know that you could be truly amazing if you set your mind to it, and I also know how loud you can be. Don't let comparing yourself to others stop you reaching your potential. Do you think any of the great actors got to the places they are today if they didn't start out doing rubbish tv commercials/ back of the shelf films that we laugh at now? Besides all that I just said, it wasn't the hare that won the race.
Secondly, no matter how many saucepans you buy, or rugs or supplies - when the first time comes for you to cook a meal - you won't feel ready. Or you'll panic. Or you'll feel like throwing up from the sheer realisation that you are suddenly growing up. Take a deep breath, swallow hard, and keep cooking. It gets easier, if not more enjoyable. :)
"I’m wondering if it’s too childish to want to hold on to all the good things and good people I have in my life... or if it’s just going to be lost."
You never grow out of wanting to keep hold of things. Why do you think adults buy so much stuff? But friends aren't measured by the amount of time they spend together, but that no matter how great the absence or distance, when they are reunited, things are just the same as they once were. You will find that, with some friends, and you will lose that with other, but this is not just the end of one chapter, its the start of another. Things will change, hell yes, they will change, but you will grow and learn and change too. Go back and read my blogs from when I first moved away from Brentwood. There is a journey there, that we all have to go through. And just as you witnessed me going through mine, I will still be around to see you go through yours. Life is exciting... you will see!
And you should probably get a bit drunk just to read everything I've just written. Well, wake up, I'm coming upstairs to get your lazy ass out of bed! ;)
Love you. xxxxx
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