Susie is calming down

I still can’t quite believe the summer is here. This is the time that we look forward to every year, relaxation and all that jazz; but I’m so used to only having short holidays, that I keep expecting it to finish any second – I’ve never had that before. But then I don’t think I’ve ever been so overwhelmed by the thought of finishing a school year as I am this year. Looking back at the blog I wrote before going into year 12, I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone, how quickly I sank into the day-to-day of being a sixth former: frees, munch, the kitchen, non-uniform. It’s been a bloody good year, no? All those things that I was excited about in September, forming closer friendships with special people – they’ve all happened; and I really love it.

I’m going to Florida in two weeks; I think it may well be the best holiday of my life. Not only are we staying in a villa with our own pool (which has made me blissfully happy for the last 3 years around Europe), but we’re going to theme parks and shopping malls and eating way too much fast food in a country where everyone speaks our language, topped off with a ‘have a nice day’ (which I’m sure will get annoying eventually, but I can still be excited about it now, right?). Above and beyond all that is the time I’m going to get away from everything, to think and work stuff out – right now, I reckon that’s what I really need.

Susie is going to be alright, she thinks; this summer will do her the world of good.

Susie is up and down, apparently

Things change, don’t they. One day things are fine, the next, they aren’t. Today? They aren’t. Again, I’m in a shit mood; again, I’m crying. I just wish days like yesterday were twice as long as days like today.

Susie is off for a fucking nap, she doesn’t even want to be awake right now.

Susie is not crying this evening

Man behind counter in Tesco: Hi
Me: (placing box of 5 Tesco Finest Chocolate Tiffin squares on counter) Hiya
Man: You’re not gonna want a bag for these are ya?
Me: (judging that I probably have enough space in my school bag) Nah, you’re alright mate
Man: You’re just gonna munch ‘em anyway
Me: Yup, pretty much
Man: Awesome, that’s £2.02
Me: (hands money) cheers
Man: Thanks a lot, enjoy them won’t you
Me: I will. Thanks.
Man: See ya later.
Me: See ya.
(smiles all round)

It’s little exchanges like this that not only make my day, but make me wonder why we don’t talk to strangers more often. I tip my hat to all those people who are brave enough to find something to say to the people they pass on the street; it’s such a rare sight these days. Why is it that humans are so resigned to such indifference? We can stop and talk to a dog that passes us on a path, two squirrels that have never seen each other before would never just pass by each other with no communication; so why is it that one person smiling to another is so strange, and as for actually stopping and talking, well, that’s reserved for those charity people who harass you on the street and religious nuts?

I’m not saying that we all need to stop every time we pass someone, we’d never get anything done. But what’s so difficult about saying hello? Or good morning? Or having a conversation with the bus driver, or the person working the till at the shop we go to, like I did today?

Susie is quite sure that there would be far less loneliness and depression in the world if all the people of it paid a little more attention to one another.

As for myself; things have been forced into perspective a little since my last blog. Although I’m pretty sure I’m not actually any happier than I was a week ago, I’ve been able to take some space from the thing(s) making me feel quite as crap as I did, and I think at the very least it has made the feelings a little less imminent. Perhaps it’s not safe for me to block things out quite so much, it’ll only lead to a crash later on, but there we go.

For now, I am looking forward to the summer, taking advantage of the extra time school unwittingly gives me for sleeping, and hoping that I will so successfully not think about the things that bother me, that soon they won’t bother me at all.

Susie is better; not ok yet, but better.