Susie is regretting placing any importance in anything

Don’t you just hate it when you really look forward to something, and long for something for absolutely ages; and then when it comes to it, it’s just an utter disappointment?

I love you. I really do. But you don’t make it easy do you.

Susie is consoled

It doesn't take a genius to work out from reading this blog that I haven't been exactly happy recently. I find myself constantly dwelling on my unhappiness, and yet nothing really seems to happen about it. Even when I’m with people and enjoying myself, if I stop to think even for a moment, I’m reminded and convinced that I’m still not happy.

A lot of times, I’ve heard people trying to explain the idea of hearing God talk to you. As soon as anyone hears that that’s what is supposed to happen, I find they are discouraged by the fact they haven’t heard a booming voice, or seen an angel, or flicked open the Bible onto a random page, and looked straight at a verse that applies exactly to them. Personally, I’ve never really been bothered that I haven’t had those sorts of things. God and I have our own way of communicating, which I won’t go into. But today, I had one of those moments. And I’m still in a little shock from it.

Having spent a night at Fran’s and stayed up til the early hours of the morning, I was obviously tired, so I had a nap this afternoon. It wasn’t one of those deep naps where you are plunged into regular sleep, it was one of those naps where you’re never really sure if you’re awake or asleep. Thoughts were constantly in my head, and I had semi-dreams for a few hours. And as I lay there, a Bible verse literally popped into my head from nowhere; Philippians 1:19. I didn’t know where it came from, but every time I stirred a little, it popped into my head again, and I made sure that I remembered to look it up.

Some people believe in coincidences. I can’t. I find it horribly difficult to believe that a verse like this, popping into my head completely randomly, could be anything less than a message for me.

'Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my salvation.'


Things might not be so great at the moment, and I don’t really know why, but I think it’s pretty clear that God has it under control, and I can rejoice, because all this is working out for good in the end. Thanks God. You really are awesome.

Susie is hanging her head

I’m one of those people who can’t stand when things aren’t said. If I like a guy, I’ll tell him; if I think someone needs cheering up, I’ll try; if I think someone needs a kick up the ass, I’ll give it to them. In general, I can’t stand when things are all secret, because secrets always get out and it always turns out wrong. But if things are immediately out in the open, then you don’t get the bitching and the bickering. It sound pretty hypocritical me saying this, because I do bitch quite a lot; but if something’s important enough, I’ll always talk to the person in question instead. The whole idea of tension and secrets really does irritate me, and I’ll sacrifice most friendships, I’ll sacrifice being liked by most people to ease tension among my friends or just in myself.

I’ve made an arse of myself so many times doing this, but I’ve always been glad I did it in the end. Things often go wrong, word gets out to all sorts of people I never thought it would, but it works out in the end. I’ve gotten so much closer to some people just by going ahead and bloody saying what I want to say; whether it’s how much I love them, how worried I am about them, or asking them a question that needs asking. I’m known for speaking my mind, and some people dislike it, other people respect me for being honest.

Today, I was blunt with someone. I finally said something which a few of us had been deliberating whether or not to say for ages. And it was horrible; being desperate to say it, knowing that it should be said, knowing that it could potentially make someone happier.

This time, there was a lot riding on it; by sharing this, I was possibly sacrificing one of the few relationships I have that is truly precious to me. And it pretty much blew up in my face. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it; perhaps I was overstepping the mark this time. So far, things aren’t looking up, and I am worried that I might have ruined this for a very long time.

Susie is quite probably about to cry.

I don’t know whether I regret saying this one or not. I think I more regret just being the person I am. I regret being the person that ends up in arguments. I regret being the only person who has the balls to say what needs saying. I regret not being kind and conscientious enough to know when to keep my mouth shut instead. I regret not caring what other people think of me, to the extent that I'll just do anything and cope with the consequences.

I regret that it's always me that comes out as the bad guy. Almost all my friends would rather keep this kind of thing to themselves. I have no idea how they cope with that. But they’re bloody lucky they don’t have to cope with this.

I've fucked up, I know. I just wish that I could make this better.

Susie is so sorry.