Susie is rambling on.

I think at some point I made a decision that I was only going to write in this blog when I actually had something worthwhile to say. I think my last one sort of fell apart when I started to write for the sake of it and ended up with truly pointless and deadly boring entries.

Susie is warning readers that this is quite likely to be one of those entries.

Ami’s back from Southend this week, on an ‘emergency holiday’. It’s when I see her again that I realise how much I’ve missed her. For a year or two we saw each other 4/5/6 times a week and suddenly it’s been cut to once a month at most. It’s horrible if I’m honest. Who knows, maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve been feeling so crap lately.

She’s my best friend. I love her so much.

I’ve had ‘Tell Him’ by Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand playing for most of the weekend. I’m a sucker for a good harmony, and this song has a beautiful one that just makes you go ‘mmmm’. If you’re like me and Izzy anyway.

I cried because I got a paper cut today. I’m terrified of them and this one was particularly horrible.

Now I’m crying for another reason.
This is just the opposite of how I hoped, but exactly how I expected it would be.

Susie is in a bit of a daze

Today, I had to try and explain my feelings about a certain person to someone else. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried and failed and sounded like a bit of an idiot. But I think I might finally try and work this one out; spell it out for myself and probably still sound like a bit of an idiot.

A couple of things to point out: firstly, yes he’s a guy; secondly, no it’s not like that.

I’ve always thought that I can pretty much tell this guy anything, it’s worked out that he doesn’t really know any of my friends, so anything I say, I know will never get back to them. I never actually see him, which (for this reason only) is a bonus, because I can tell him whatever and not be embarrassed when I have to see him the next day.
But actually, when it comes down to it, there’s a hell of a lot I can’t tell him, because a lot of what I would want to say or get off my chest or whatever, is about him. And even the stuff that isn’t, I’m not sure I tell him anywhere near as much as I used to, because I’m becoming increasingly concerned about what he thinks of me.
The long and short of it is: I can’t remember the last day I went without thinking about him. I adore him. He’s one of those genuinely lovely people in the world, and everything he does just makes me admire and love him more. He’s the sort of person I wish I could be. Somehow, talking to him makes me happy, and I still don’t really understand why. The thought of losing him terrifies me, and yet I barely even ‘have’ him to lose.
But the most ridiculous thing is I’ve barely even met him. I talk to him online and that’s pretty much it [and if he’s reading this and didn’t already realise, he now knows it’s him I’m talking about].

I used to hate how much I love him, because it is pretty stupid, and fairly unexplainable, and completely unreciprocated. But recently, I started wondering if it is ever right to hate love. Is it possible to love someone too much? After all, ‘Love comes from God’, is it not something which should be encouraged rather than disputed? I still haven’t worked out the answer. All I know, is that talking to him, and knowing that I have him, at least on some level, is one of the few things which actually gets me through the days. Which is partly why I miss him so much when we haven’t spoken for a while. And why it scares me that the tiniest thing could take that away from me. Even though it is stupid, maybe just the fact that it makes me happy every now and then is worth it?

This blog has actually ended up shorter than I thought it would be, and I still don’t think I’ve even remotely adequately described how much he means to me. I think he knows though. And maybe that’s good enough.

And what’s more, Susie is bloody happy, because for the first time in two years, she actually saw him today :)

Susie is not dead, don't worry.

Haha, as if you were worrying. Anyway, I’ve noticed that I haven’t blogged for a while. Not because I haven’t had anything to say, just because I haven’t really been able to put it into words. I’m not sure I’m going to do any better today.

During the last week I’ve made a fairly big decision which will probably affect the rest of my life. It’s a very boring decision, but it does change things somewhat. For the last couple of years I’ve been pretty sure I wanted to do zoology or animal science or something like that at university; something which will land me a nice, well paid job with animals. Following a visit from the Oxford Uni admissions officer in PSHE, I’ve come to realise that I don’t actually enjoy science lessons all that much. Perhaps it’s because I’m not doing so well in them this year, perhaps its because half of my teachers are either shit or horrible, perhaps it’s because I’ve never really liked science at all. Basically, I’m not sure I’m a very academic type person. I don’t respond well to mathematic problem/solution type set up. I’m not motivated enough to enjoy a challenge, and I’m not serious enough to gain satisfaction from success alone. And I don’t think it’s worth putting myself through 3 or 4 years of university I don’t enjoy, for a job that probably doesn’t even exist.

So instead, I’m going to do a drama degree. Like I said in a previous entry, I adore drama, I really do, I enjoy every lesson, and I’m even happy to do the written work. The way I see it, so far in my life, I’ve made my decisions based almost entirely on what I enjoy; why should I change now? So many people do degrees and then get a job not even related to them. I’m not deluded enough to believe I’ll ever get a career in drama, so I’m happy to take another route once I get there. Maybe I’ll find something else I enjoy by then. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who will settle for some crap job I don’t want to do, I’ll still be this stubborn when I leave university I’m sure.

Hopefully, this change of direction will make the truly appalling mark I just got in a chemistry module a little less important.

Susie is keeping her fingers crossed

There was another, slightly more interesting thing I wanted to say, but I think I’d rather keep it separate for some reason. I think I might need more time to think about it as well.

Susie is not as hopeful as she might be

I don’t quite understand people who think that a new year is going to be any different to the year before. All it is, is another day, another month; and somehow, because it’s another year, it’s ‘special’. We look back on the past year and think about the good times and the bad times, and vow that the new one will be better and happier and different. But it never is, is it. Years can be good, and years can be bad, but there are still the day to day struggles that can’t be banished by any wishful thinking.

New Year is supposedly a time to make resolutions, to change oneself; when the truth is, if you have any real intention of keeping to your resolution, you would have made it as soon as you realised it needed to be made.

There are so many different statistics on how successful New Years resolutions are, but in the end they all boil down to the fact that they are so very rarely seen through. And it’s because people don’t really care about them; they make resolutions because it’s a new year and that’s just what you do, but to me, it seems like a completely pointless exercise, because everyone knows they’ll never last.

Susie is perhaps just a little too pessimistic.

I’m right in the middle of my year’s resolution. I made it at Easter, when it needed to be made. And although my reasons for doing it are somewhat flawed now, I will keep it up; perhaps just as proof to myself that I can do things if I really want to.

I’ll get back to you on that one. It’ll be a good result. I promise.

Susie is, in fact, a little more optimistic than she thought.