Susie is calming down

I still can’t quite believe the summer is here. This is the time that we look forward to every year, relaxation and all that jazz; but I’m so used to only having short holidays, that I keep expecting it to finish any second – I’ve never had that before. But then I don’t think I’ve ever been so overwhelmed by the thought of finishing a school year as I am this year. Looking back at the blog I wrote before going into year 12, I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone, how quickly I sank into the day-to-day of being a sixth former: frees, munch, the kitchen, non-uniform. It’s been a bloody good year, no? All those things that I was excited about in September, forming closer friendships with special people – they’ve all happened; and I really love it.

I’m going to Florida in two weeks; I think it may well be the best holiday of my life. Not only are we staying in a villa with our own pool (which has made me blissfully happy for the last 3 years around Europe), but we’re going to theme parks and shopping malls and eating way too much fast food in a country where everyone speaks our language, topped off with a ‘have a nice day’ (which I’m sure will get annoying eventually, but I can still be excited about it now, right?). Above and beyond all that is the time I’m going to get away from everything, to think and work stuff out – right now, I reckon that’s what I really need.

Susie is going to be alright, she thinks; this summer will do her the world of good.

Susie is up and down, apparently

Things change, don’t they. One day things are fine, the next, they aren’t. Today? They aren’t. Again, I’m in a shit mood; again, I’m crying. I just wish days like yesterday were twice as long as days like today.

Susie is off for a fucking nap, she doesn’t even want to be awake right now.

Susie is not crying this evening

Man behind counter in Tesco: Hi
Me: (placing box of 5 Tesco Finest Chocolate Tiffin squares on counter) Hiya
Man: You’re not gonna want a bag for these are ya?
Me: (judging that I probably have enough space in my school bag) Nah, you’re alright mate
Man: You’re just gonna munch ‘em anyway
Me: Yup, pretty much
Man: Awesome, that’s £2.02
Me: (hands money) cheers
Man: Thanks a lot, enjoy them won’t you
Me: I will. Thanks.
Man: See ya later.
Me: See ya.
(smiles all round)

It’s little exchanges like this that not only make my day, but make me wonder why we don’t talk to strangers more often. I tip my hat to all those people who are brave enough to find something to say to the people they pass on the street; it’s such a rare sight these days. Why is it that humans are so resigned to such indifference? We can stop and talk to a dog that passes us on a path, two squirrels that have never seen each other before would never just pass by each other with no communication; so why is it that one person smiling to another is so strange, and as for actually stopping and talking, well, that’s reserved for those charity people who harass you on the street and religious nuts?

I’m not saying that we all need to stop every time we pass someone, we’d never get anything done. But what’s so difficult about saying hello? Or good morning? Or having a conversation with the bus driver, or the person working the till at the shop we go to, like I did today?

Susie is quite sure that there would be far less loneliness and depression in the world if all the people of it paid a little more attention to one another.

As for myself; things have been forced into perspective a little since my last blog. Although I’m pretty sure I’m not actually any happier than I was a week ago, I’ve been able to take some space from the thing(s) making me feel quite as crap as I did, and I think at the very least it has made the feelings a little less imminent. Perhaps it’s not safe for me to block things out quite so much, it’ll only lead to a crash later on, but there we go.

For now, I am looking forward to the summer, taking advantage of the extra time school unwittingly gives me for sleeping, and hoping that I will so successfully not think about the things that bother me, that soon they won’t bother me at all.

Susie is better; not ok yet, but better.

Susie is lying when she says she's ok

I’ve got to say, things aren’t going great at the moment. I suppose it’s stupid that the only place I possess to write about things is here, but I’m too scared of some people reading it to actually use it. Fortunately, so many people have been a wonderful help to me recently: letting me ramble and complain, and telling me actually exactly what I want to hear; that I think if I were to write it all down here, it would just be repeating myself, and probably not really helping anyone. I owe a lot to these lovely people I’ve managed to find.

These days I think it takes a lot to actually make me cry. Minor irritations or upsets tend to get laughed under the rug, and even when stuff really gets to me, it usually leads to other things than tears. But there hasn’t been a day this week that I haven’t cried; things that no one else would understand set me off; stupid things, stupid reasons. The fact that they make me cry scares me above all else, because I know how long it’s going to take for me to get over them properly.

So much has changed recently, and it’s taking my mind a little while to get used to it all. ‘The way things were’ just isn’t quite the same anymore, and I’m not sure I’m handling it very well. I don’t know if it’s helping or not that school is such a waste of time at the moment. I only had one lesson today, first period. Granted, I love to doss; but it tends to leave a lot of time for thinking and feeling sorry for myself and getting caught up in things.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading recently; well, a lot of time for me. Normally I only ever read when I’m away on holiday, but over the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the urge to re-read some of the books I read last summer; probably, as Zoë put it, to try and escape a bit. And actually, it’s wonderfully effective. There’s something refreshing about being able to switch off that conscious part of your brain that worries and gets emotional and stressed, but still be able to stimulate the bit that gets left out when you’re just dumbly watching some crap television. I think when real school-time rolls around again, I won’t have as much time for such a luxury, so I plan to make the most of this in these following weeks.

I wish I could end this entry by saying that I feel better, or that I think tomorrow will be a brighter day; but ultimately I know that I’m only going to end up crying again, and actually, I don’t feel better. Not yet.

Susie is certainly not overdramatic or emo enough to think that she is actually heartbroken, but this is as close as she’d ever like to get.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Pink - Who Knew